I am all for picking up your own trash at the park and recycling anything you can, without getting TOO crazy about it, but I would never call myself "green" or even say I'm trying to "go green". I have toyed with the idea of starting a composte in our backyard, but that's only because I'm getting cheap in my old age and am tired of paying for two trash cans weekly and we have NO garbage disposal at the new house :(
BUT, I must admit, after nightly 'pee soak' up to his chin and constant sheet & mattress pad cover changes DAILY, I am thinking about switching to cloth diapers! Even if I start out with only a few and use them at night to eliminate the constant pee covered infant and load in the washing machine, I'm thinking it may be totally worth it!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
one goal down...
Sunday night as I sipped my weekly glass of wine I told the Hubs I hoped to be down 2.8lbs at weight in Monday morning. This would put me with 2lbs to loose to get to the goal I set for myself seven weeks ago, when I weigh in next week. Well kids, I did it! Down THREE WHOLE POUNDS-smashing my hope of a mear 2.8 loss!!! ok, not quite that dramatic but I was pumped when they said "down three" and then rewarded me with a 5lb sticker and my 5% weight loss sticker. I'm now down a total of 12 pounds since joining post Gavin, putting my total post Gavin weight loss at 35lbs! 14 pounds to go and I'll be back to my pre-Gavin weight and pounding my way back down to my pre-Emily weight! Ah the journey...
When I was about four months pregnant with Gavin I casually mentioned to my sister-in-love that I'd like to run a 5K with her on New Years Day. I was feeling hormonal and chubby entering my second trimester of pregnancy and needed something to keep me feeling like there was light at the end of the expanding waist band tunnel. Well this week, I recommited to Heather and we made a pact to find a race and sign up! I'm SO pumped to get started with my Couch 25K program next Monday and plan to download it to my Ipod and pull out my 'skinny yoga pants' and start running! It's a new goal for me, one I have never tackled as part of my fitness journey in the past, but one I am SO excted for!
Setting this goal for myself got me thinking about weight loss/fitness goals; what is more realistic, a distant goal like a New Years 5K or a few pound loss for an August BBQ? For me, I think where I am at mentally with my post baby bod, is long term/long distant goals. The mini weight loss goals we set in our WW meetings are great, but long distant future fitness goals feel helpful right now because I have so long to go in terms of my overall goals. Setting a New Years Day goal gives me a lot of time to prep (and a little wriggle room to fail and pick myself back up again) but also enough time to get there and feel confident I am actually ready!
What short term and long term goals have you set for yourself? If you havent set any, pick one and set it now!
When I was about four months pregnant with Gavin I casually mentioned to my sister-in-love that I'd like to run a 5K with her on New Years Day. I was feeling hormonal and chubby entering my second trimester of pregnancy and needed something to keep me feeling like there was light at the end of the expanding waist band tunnel. Well this week, I recommited to Heather and we made a pact to find a race and sign up! I'm SO pumped to get started with my Couch 25K program next Monday and plan to download it to my Ipod and pull out my 'skinny yoga pants' and start running! It's a new goal for me, one I have never tackled as part of my fitness journey in the past, but one I am SO excted for!
Setting this goal for myself got me thinking about weight loss/fitness goals; what is more realistic, a distant goal like a New Years 5K or a few pound loss for an August BBQ? For me, I think where I am at mentally with my post baby bod, is long term/long distant goals. The mini weight loss goals we set in our WW meetings are great, but long distant future fitness goals feel helpful right now because I have so long to go in terms of my overall goals. Setting a New Years Day goal gives me a lot of time to prep (and a little wriggle room to fail and pick myself back up again) but also enough time to get there and feel confident I am actually ready!
What short term and long term goals have you set for yourself? If you havent set any, pick one and set it now!
Monday, May 30, 2011
McFatty Monday
I'm sure some may read this post title and think "oh geese, here she goes again, talking about herself all negatively" but actually, McFatty Monday's are found all over the interwebz and I've been inspired by Blair over at to start my own McFatty posts! Since this is my first, I'll break down my weight loss struggle...I mean Journey...and where I am at right now.
During my pregnancy with Emily I packed on a whopping 85lbs! I won't bore you with the details of how healthy I eat month after month but still managed to gain a 5th grader in the process, but I will say that the number on the scale come delivery day was totally Biggest Looser Show qualifying. After Emily's birth, 30lbs fell off and then my Weight Watchers journey began. I'd been a member in years past and had great success and assumed it would be easy to jump back in. YAH RIGHT! Add a newborn, an out of work hubby, and a little brother living with us who can eat whatever he wants still stay rain thin, and I was totally set for destruction! I had no idea why the program wasn't working. I didn't want to admit my gorging out on Doritos and cookies one day and then starving the next, wasn't healthy. The scale didn't lie and my WW journey was no success at all.
Fast Forward to Gavin's delivery and the 30lbs I thought would fall off that didn't and the 7lbs I gained at 3 weeks post partum and I'm back at WW! Before Gavin was born I had a master plan; WW on Monday mornings and the gym every week day from 9am-10:15am, getting me home in time to shower and take over kid-duty before the hubby rolls off to work. The first week was great, I about died when I saw my weight at my weight in, but was motivated and hit the gym three days. The following week life happened and I only hit the gym twice, but had a 6.8lb weight loss my first week on WW. Then the next week happened, a 1.4lb loss after a week of not counting points or working out....then a week skipping a weigh in and hitting the Starbucks drive-thru three times....now here I am, 6 weeks into WW and 9 weeks post partum. I am down 9lbs after a +.8 at this weeks weigh in and a new outlook. I've decided when craving hits or when I think I'm too busy or tired to make a good food choice and want to opt for the quick and easy, to remind myself MY KIDS ARE WORTH MORE! Worth more then a cookie or a hot pocket because it's east, worth more then the Cake Pop at Starbucks, they are just plain worth more!
I know weight loss is suppose to be something we do for ourselves. Our workouts are suppose to be for us, to help us feel better about ourselves. But I've realized for me, where I am at with my journey in motherhood, I have to find my motivation from my kids. I want to be fit and have healthy habits for them. To teach them what a healthy dinner plate looks like after an afternoon of running around the park and playing soccer. I want to be active WITH my kids and right now that means being active FOR my kids. I have a long way to go...63lbs to get down to 'wedding weight' and 75lbs to get to my WW 'beautiful, healthy weight'. It's a lot of weight and getting my body healthy and in shape is even more of a daunting task, but the past few days, when I've needed that extra boost of motivation, I say to myself "your kids are worth more" and I feel empowered enough in that moment to put the cookie down and take another step in the healthy direction.
During my pregnancy with Emily I packed on a whopping 85lbs! I won't bore you with the details of how healthy I eat month after month but still managed to gain a 5th grader in the process, but I will say that the number on the scale come delivery day was totally Biggest Looser Show qualifying. After Emily's birth, 30lbs fell off and then my Weight Watchers journey began. I'd been a member in years past and had great success and assumed it would be easy to jump back in. YAH RIGHT! Add a newborn, an out of work hubby, and a little brother living with us who can eat whatever he wants still stay rain thin, and I was totally set for destruction! I had no idea why the program wasn't working. I didn't want to admit my gorging out on Doritos and cookies one day and then starving the next, wasn't healthy. The scale didn't lie and my WW journey was no success at all.
Fast Forward to Gavin's delivery and the 30lbs I thought would fall off that didn't and the 7lbs I gained at 3 weeks post partum and I'm back at WW! Before Gavin was born I had a master plan; WW on Monday mornings and the gym every week day from 9am-10:15am, getting me home in time to shower and take over kid-duty before the hubby rolls off to work. The first week was great, I about died when I saw my weight at my weight in, but was motivated and hit the gym three days. The following week life happened and I only hit the gym twice, but had a 6.8lb weight loss my first week on WW. Then the next week happened, a 1.4lb loss after a week of not counting points or working out....then a week skipping a weigh in and hitting the Starbucks drive-thru three times....now here I am, 6 weeks into WW and 9 weeks post partum. I am down 9lbs after a +.8 at this weeks weigh in and a new outlook. I've decided when craving hits or when I think I'm too busy or tired to make a good food choice and want to opt for the quick and easy, to remind myself MY KIDS ARE WORTH MORE! Worth more then a cookie or a hot pocket because it's east, worth more then the Cake Pop at Starbucks, they are just plain worth more!
I know weight loss is suppose to be something we do for ourselves. Our workouts are suppose to be for us, to help us feel better about ourselves. But I've realized for me, where I am at with my journey in motherhood, I have to find my motivation from my kids. I want to be fit and have healthy habits for them. To teach them what a healthy dinner plate looks like after an afternoon of running around the park and playing soccer. I want to be active WITH my kids and right now that means being active FOR my kids. I have a long way to go...63lbs to get down to 'wedding weight' and 75lbs to get to my WW 'beautiful, healthy weight'. It's a lot of weight and getting my body healthy and in shape is even more of a daunting task, but the past few days, when I've needed that extra boost of motivation, I say to myself "your kids are worth more" and I feel empowered enough in that moment to put the cookie down and take another step in the healthy direction.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Medicated Mommy
...oh this Mommy is medicated!
That was my response to a gal pal asking me if I had struggled with the "baby blues" after the birth of my daughter. Everyone at the table laughed and so did I. I have no shame in admitting I pop a few pills every morning just to get thru a day in my life as a Mom...I have no shame now, one year and counting into my journey thru Post Partum Depression and Anxiety. I can just now say the shame has disappeared. If you'd come to me this time last year and asked if I struggled with baby blues, I'd have smiled and said "sure I've had some ups and downs, but nothing major". And that would have been a major lie.
If looking your six month old square in the eyes as asking her to "shut up" while she shivers and cries as you're dressing her after bath time, if that is nothing more then a little case of baby blues, then I suppose I was a-OK. But for me, when my husband kindly looked at me and asked, "please never tell our daughter to shut up when she is crying, again" and I snapped back with a comment oozing with the attitude of someone just caught with her hand in the PPD cookie jar and couldn't admit it....then I guess I didn't have a problem. I remember SO vividly walking out of Emily's room and in my head thinking "crap, he knows I have a problem too". I had been questioning myself for weeks, wondering if the down and out feelings and the anger towards Emily I had every time she cried for no reason, was the big ‘D’ I’d heard about or if I was just reacting to life and it's general toughness. I called my Doctor the day after Brandon asked me to never scold our daughter like the bratty teenager we were praying she wouldn’t be, and said "Doc, I think I have problem".
The questions the nurse on the other line had for me caught me off guard; "have you had thoughts of suicide? have you had thoughts of harming your baby? are you alone or do you have the support of a spouse or partner? do you feel you may act out irrationally and cause harm to yourself or your child? do you feel out of control and unable to get out of bed, eat, or bathe yourself?" I said no to each question because, truly I didn't have any of those thoughts at all. I was able to bathe and the scale was pretty clear every week at Weight Watchers that I was not missing any meals! After I scheduled my appointment to see the Doctor the following week, I felt like I may have made a mistake. I wasn’t suicidal, I never felt I wanted to hurt Emily, and I didn’t think I was totally off the reservation. I just felt a little off and didn't think how I was reacting to the everyday life of Motherhood was entirely how it was suppose to be. "Suppose to be"...I hate that phrase and will defiantly 'go there' later....
When my Doctor walked into the exam room a week later, I started to bawl. When I turned on the table and saw her face I felt like I could let out everything I'd been feeling and holding in, for months. I knew she could help me. I hadn't felt like anyone else could help. None of my girlfriends seemed to be struggleing with motherhood. They all seemed to have a handle on the new life of parenthood we were all now living. There was noone offering me anything that would help me understand the feelings I'd been having and nothing anyone could seem to do to help me get thru it (obviously I see now that had I only opened my big mouth and talked to those around me, they would not only have understood and been able to relate, but also encouraged me to ask for help). I truly didn’t know what IT was, but I was deeply dreading the reality of it. After a half hour of release in the form of blubbering my eyes out telling my Doctor the many emotions I was having and explaining the many scenarios in which these emotions were played out, she then asked me to fill out a survey rating my emotions and feelings about motherhood. Not about my baby, but about motherhood. At the time I didn’t know it, but this was HUGE for me. The fact that in reality, PPD for me, was about Motherhood and how I was handling Motherhood and not about Emily and my relationship with her.
My biggest fear before I became a Mother was that I'd be a terrible one. That I wouldn’t have a kind, gentile, friendly relationship with my daughter but a hard, judgmental, and abrasive one. That I wouldn’t know how to be an accepting Mother and a Mother who taught my daughter vs. demanded of her. When I began my road down "post partum lane" I was in such fear that the feelings I was having toward Emily were defining the relationship she and I would have indefinitely. My feelings of frustration when she would cry non-stop or the anxiety I would get before a big event that I knew would over stimulate her, then causing me to resent Emily for making things more difficult. I thought that because I was feeling such deep resentment and such inability to understand her and meet her needs, that I was destined to a broken relationship with her. It was not until much later that I realized that my PPD was not about Emily at all; it was and is about my ability to be a Mother and to cope with motherhood and the challenges every mother faces. Motherhood is hard, overwhelming, over stimulating, frustrating, miss understood, and a constant battle against ourselves. My expectations of myself as a Mother was the reason my baby blues turned into a battle with PPD…I was unwilling to allow myself to admit I was overwhelmed, needed help coping, and was at times, unable to understand why I felt this way. It was ME standing in the way of myself that brought my initial “baby blues” to the point of escalation.
My PPD is back with vengeance now that Gavin is here. I was not fully recovered when I got pregnant with him and I was naive to think the same treatment path that brought me back to myself after Emily’s birth, would work the same way this time around. I’m still battling the PPD demons and trying to figure out how to get thru. The same meds that worked before aren’t working as well this time around and some of the emotions and obstacles I had overcome last year are back and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to conquer them now. It’s a new battle and a new journey and one I know I can get thru, even on the days when I feel completely defeated by myself, I can find some comfort in knowing that this is just a season and I will overcome not just because I have in the past, but because there is an amazing number of mother’s who have overcome this before me. Motherhood is such a different journey for everyone, but for me…if I could just get out of my own head and out of my own way, I’d see that Motherhood will always have a learning curve and what I’m feeling now doesn’t not have to define the kind of mother I grow to become. I’m taking one day at a time and reminding myself that I’m a great Mom, I know my children better then I think I do, and the relationship I’m building with them is what will remain past the PPD, not the moments of the day that I’m short tempered or broken down by my emotions. Those moments are not defining my relationships with them, but they are teaching me and helping me grow as I continue to walk in my calling of Motherhood.
That was my response to a gal pal asking me if I had struggled with the "baby blues" after the birth of my daughter. Everyone at the table laughed and so did I. I have no shame in admitting I pop a few pills every morning just to get thru a day in my life as a Mom...I have no shame now, one year and counting into my journey thru Post Partum Depression and Anxiety. I can just now say the shame has disappeared. If you'd come to me this time last year and asked if I struggled with baby blues, I'd have smiled and said "sure I've had some ups and downs, but nothing major". And that would have been a major lie.
If looking your six month old square in the eyes as asking her to "shut up" while she shivers and cries as you're dressing her after bath time, if that is nothing more then a little case of baby blues, then I suppose I was a-OK. But for me, when my husband kindly looked at me and asked, "please never tell our daughter to shut up when she is crying, again" and I snapped back with a comment oozing with the attitude of someone just caught with her hand in the PPD cookie jar and couldn't admit it....then I guess I didn't have a problem. I remember SO vividly walking out of Emily's room and in my head thinking "crap, he knows I have a problem too". I had been questioning myself for weeks, wondering if the down and out feelings and the anger towards Emily I had every time she cried for no reason, was the big ‘D’ I’d heard about or if I was just reacting to life and it's general toughness. I called my Doctor the day after Brandon asked me to never scold our daughter like the bratty teenager we were praying she wouldn’t be, and said "Doc, I think I have problem".
The questions the nurse on the other line had for me caught me off guard; "have you had thoughts of suicide? have you had thoughts of harming your baby? are you alone or do you have the support of a spouse or partner? do you feel you may act out irrationally and cause harm to yourself or your child? do you feel out of control and unable to get out of bed, eat, or bathe yourself?" I said no to each question because, truly I didn't have any of those thoughts at all. I was able to bathe and the scale was pretty clear every week at Weight Watchers that I was not missing any meals! After I scheduled my appointment to see the Doctor the following week, I felt like I may have made a mistake. I wasn’t suicidal, I never felt I wanted to hurt Emily, and I didn’t think I was totally off the reservation. I just felt a little off and didn't think how I was reacting to the everyday life of Motherhood was entirely how it was suppose to be. "Suppose to be"...I hate that phrase and will defiantly 'go there' later....
When my Doctor walked into the exam room a week later, I started to bawl. When I turned on the table and saw her face I felt like I could let out everything I'd been feeling and holding in, for months. I knew she could help me. I hadn't felt like anyone else could help. None of my girlfriends seemed to be struggleing with motherhood. They all seemed to have a handle on the new life of parenthood we were all now living. There was noone offering me anything that would help me understand the feelings I'd been having and nothing anyone could seem to do to help me get thru it (obviously I see now that had I only opened my big mouth and talked to those around me, they would not only have understood and been able to relate, but also encouraged me to ask for help). I truly didn’t know what IT was, but I was deeply dreading the reality of it. After a half hour of release in the form of blubbering my eyes out telling my Doctor the many emotions I was having and explaining the many scenarios in which these emotions were played out, she then asked me to fill out a survey rating my emotions and feelings about motherhood. Not about my baby, but about motherhood. At the time I didn’t know it, but this was HUGE for me. The fact that in reality, PPD for me, was about Motherhood and how I was handling Motherhood and not about Emily and my relationship with her.
My biggest fear before I became a Mother was that I'd be a terrible one. That I wouldn’t have a kind, gentile, friendly relationship with my daughter but a hard, judgmental, and abrasive one. That I wouldn’t know how to be an accepting Mother and a Mother who taught my daughter vs. demanded of her. When I began my road down "post partum lane" I was in such fear that the feelings I was having toward Emily were defining the relationship she and I would have indefinitely. My feelings of frustration when she would cry non-stop or the anxiety I would get before a big event that I knew would over stimulate her, then causing me to resent Emily for making things more difficult. I thought that because I was feeling such deep resentment and such inability to understand her and meet her needs, that I was destined to a broken relationship with her. It was not until much later that I realized that my PPD was not about Emily at all; it was and is about my ability to be a Mother and to cope with motherhood and the challenges every mother faces. Motherhood is hard, overwhelming, over stimulating, frustrating, miss understood, and a constant battle against ourselves. My expectations of myself as a Mother was the reason my baby blues turned into a battle with PPD…I was unwilling to allow myself to admit I was overwhelmed, needed help coping, and was at times, unable to understand why I felt this way. It was ME standing in the way of myself that brought my initial “baby blues” to the point of escalation.
My PPD is back with vengeance now that Gavin is here. I was not fully recovered when I got pregnant with him and I was naive to think the same treatment path that brought me back to myself after Emily’s birth, would work the same way this time around. I’m still battling the PPD demons and trying to figure out how to get thru. The same meds that worked before aren’t working as well this time around and some of the emotions and obstacles I had overcome last year are back and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to conquer them now. It’s a new battle and a new journey and one I know I can get thru, even on the days when I feel completely defeated by myself, I can find some comfort in knowing that this is just a season and I will overcome not just because I have in the past, but because there is an amazing number of mother’s who have overcome this before me. Motherhood is such a different journey for everyone, but for me…if I could just get out of my own head and out of my own way, I’d see that Motherhood will always have a learning curve and what I’m feeling now doesn’t not have to define the kind of mother I grow to become. I’m taking one day at a time and reminding myself that I’m a great Mom, I know my children better then I think I do, and the relationship I’m building with them is what will remain past the PPD, not the moments of the day that I’m short tempered or broken down by my emotions. Those moments are not defining my relationships with them, but they are teaching me and helping me grow as I continue to walk in my calling of Motherhood.
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